Iceland

Because I'm leaving the country for 3 months in just under a month, I have been looking at all the pictures of places I've been before. Today's post is dedicated to the wonder that is Iceland. I would suggest that everybody does their best to make a visit. I so enjoyed every aspect of this country.

Anne Lamott

Years ago my sister, my mom, and my friend Katy all told me I should read Anne Lamott, because I would love her. Well, I tried Bird by Bird and didn't like and and, because everybody told me to read it- I bailed. Like any good 'rebellious' teenager would.
     Well I stand majorly corrected and put in my place by what she had to say about this week and fear. There has been so much pain and confusion and hurt this week and I just have had no idea what to do with it. I was sitting in class today so frustrated by peoples political response to whats going on, kind of sobbing (as subtly as possible) and wondering what they could be thinking. People died this week, Children of God, died. And that does not mean that its the time to talk about peoples right to bare arms, talk about hurting for those who are hurting, mourning with our families. And then, here I am criticizing people for their opinions when I just have absolutely no right to. I am full of sin, just like everybody else.
    Anyways, back to Anne Lamott. So- I stumbled upon this post via my friend Chelsea's facebook and there I was, reading everything I was feeling put into eloquent sensible words. Astounded that somebody else was feeling the way I was. I understand why so many people suggested her to me. So I'm going to post what she wrote in an effort to explain my heart right now:

"Frederick Buechner wrote, "Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid."

But it is hard not to be afraid, isn't it? Some wisdom traditions say that you can't have love and fear at the same time, but I beg to differ. You can be a passionate believer in God, in Goodness, in Divine Mind, and the immortality of the soul, and still be afraid. I'm Exhibit A. 

The temptation is to say, as cute little Christians sometimes do, Oh, it will all make sense someday. Great blessings will arise from the tragedy, seeds of new life sown. And I absolutely believe those things, but if it minimizes the terror, it's bullshit.

My understanding is that we have to admit the nightmare, and not pretend that it wasn't heinous and agonizing; not pretend it as something more esoteric. Certain spiritual traditions could say about Hiroshima, Oh, it's the whole world passing away.

Well, I don't know.

I wish I could do what spiritual teachers teach, and get my thoughts into alignment with purer thoughts, so I could see peace and perfection in Hiroshima, in Newton, in Boston. Next time around, I hope to be a cloistered Buddhist. This time, though, I'm just a regular screwed up sad worried faithful human being. 

There is amazing love and grace in people's response to the killings. It's like white blood cells pouring in to surround and heal the infection. It just breaks your heart every time, in the good way, where Hope tiptoes in to peer around. For the time being, I am not going to pretend to be spiritually more evolved than I am. I'm keeping things very simple: right foot, left foot, right foot, breathe; telling my stories, and reading yours. I keep thinking about Barry Lopez's wonderful line, "Everyone is held together with stories. That is all that is holding us together; stories and compassion."

That rings one of the few bells I am hearing right now, and it is a beautiful crystalline sound. I'm so in."

Thank you, Anne, for writing what I couldn't say. 

As Happy As Kings

"The World is full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings" -Robert Lewis Stevenson

Well, this weekend was just full of wonderful things. On Saturday night my friends Diana and Johnathan, threw this lovely dinner party and it was unbelievably fun. There is something so amazing about when the sun comes out and the air gets warmer that makes all of us come a live a little bit more. Having dinner on the porch with the best of friends was the best way to spend an evening. Here are a few of the pictures I took while there. I have to admit I felt like something out of Kinfolk.

"He will sustain you with good so that your youth will be renewed like the eagles" Psalm 103

 

 Look at this food! 

 It doesn't get much better than this. 

 Our friendship has meant so much to me this year, she has been a constant encouragement to me. So thankful for Meredith. Its crazy that we have barely known each other for a year, and I sincerely feel like we have been friends for a very long time. 

 Laughing is so fun. 

 What great gentlemen to call my friends. 

 I get to spend 2 weeks traveling Europe with Catherine this summer and I couldn't be more excited.

Tyler and his pensive self. 

Happy Easter!

 They are so perfect. 

 Happy Easter from Everett and Bryndîs! 

 My sweet papa loving on his granddaughter.

 She is so beautiful, it is unbelievable. I am so thankful for the time I got to have with her this weekend.

 He then proceeded to take a bow, being officially the cutest thing in the world.

This is Everett and his life long friend Story Jane, they will be friends forever, mostly because their parents will be friends forever and because they're part of our family. 

 When I think about family, I think about this table with these people. I love everything about this.

He Finds Me.

Learning more about Jesus this year made Easter a whole different kind of thing for me today. I have had a really difficult year, and I have been so furious and confused with what the Lord wants from me and through me, I've never doubted that He was there but I have doubted that he cared.

I've clung to the rock that is higher than me. We have wrestled over my heart and my life. He has sat with me in sorrow and He has been big enough to handle my anger. He was rejected by the ones He loved most in the world, not only to save me, but I think also because He understands me. And that when his people hurt he hurts, when Lazerus dies Jesus foams at the mouth in anguish at how hurt his people are. I know that He knows the pain I have felt this year and that instead of demanding I be ok, my "Suffering Savior'' has wept for me and been more hurt for me than I know. I prayed so often that I would learn how to 'wait on the Lord' and how to 'trust his plan,' but thats not how it works, its not that we figure it out,  its that He does those things for us.

Reading the story from Mark where the deciples are all out on a boat and a storm comes up while Jesus is sleeping and they say "Lord, do you not care that we are perishing?" And Jesus responds "Peace! Be Still!! Who are you to have no faith" and it says, "the deciples wondered who this could be that even the wind obeyed him." Normally I would be so quick to judge them for having so little faith, but when I read those words they resonated deep in me- because thats how I felt- Jesus! Dont you care that I am drowning here?! and the answer is He does... and He has showed me so much of who He is through the deepest of hurts, and I think that makes Easter so much bigger for me this year.

A friend of mine told me that, I could either pretend to be ok and try and soldier on or that I could go down and let myself feel this pain at the very deepest level and trust that Jesus would meet me there because thats what he promises to do, and you know what? He did.

Today when my Pastor said "Why do you look for the living amongst the dead, He is Risen!" I lost it. My amazing father was tempted in all the same ways that I was, he knew that I would over and over and over again look to 'death' instead of life, he knew that I would fail and that I would hurt and he came, he was rejected. Writing this seems to do the whole topic so little justice. Words seem so finite and superfluous.

I think what I'm seeing is that my anger and hurt has increased my ability to appreciate who the Lord really is, not who my books and stuff have said he is, but who the Bible says he is and who He was. I was so moved by Pope Francis' choice to wash the feet of prisoners at the Juvinle detention center in Rome, instead of those of the 'saintly' priests. He did exactly what Christ would do and sought out the least, the fringe people and spoke to them. In taking me through a valley, the Lord made me a fringe person, I felt like the least of these and because of that was able to feel the Lord seeking me out and using me for whatever it is that He has.

I have come so far from where I was in November and I am seeing that I am not invisible to Him. I see that the only safe place to deposit my heart is with Him. I see that because I believe in Him I am a cherished spouse. He rose again because of great love that is so far past what I understand.

Halleluja He has found me. Better yet, Halleluja He finds me, over and over again. The one my Soul so long has craved.