Dona Nobis Pacem

I thought to myself today during a class, "What if I was to start blogging again? Or even just to write a blog again." Well, here I am. I dont even know what to say. Blogging always makes me speak in a way that is so insincere to my actual voice. So its seems a bit futile. But maybe here is a good effort.

In the church year we are in the middle of Lent. I suppose we're actually only a week and a half in, but none the less, here we are. I am no church scholar, despite the current A I've earned in my New Testament class, so I don't know a lot about Lent, or Lenten theology. I do know that it is a somber time, a time of fasting before the Easter Feast. And this year, for me at least, it feels like a season of true lament.

A good friend of mine's father passed last Monday of ALS. My sister lost a dear friend this week to the same disease.

And while Seattle is gorgeous, and has a lot of wonderful attributes, it is still not my home.

I remember thinking to myself sometime in October, when everything was still new, maybe in March I wont feel this way any more. . . but March has arrived, and I do feel a little bit better than I did then, but I'm still hurting. I went to a concert on Saturday, a good friend of mine was playing in town. About 5 seconds into her first song the tears just uncontrollably started rolling out of my eyes. Classic. She sang, "we will feast in the house of Zion, we will sing with our hearts restored, "He has done great things" we will say together, we will sing and weep no more"- and there I am weeping. Makes so much sense, I know.

One of my dearest friends here in town sent me this text tonight, "ps. did you know there was a noun “jeremiad”? it means, appropriately, a long mournful complaint or lamentation. which I think is just neat"

Welp. There it is. I'm smack in the middle of a really great jeremiad. I couldn't even tell you how to say that word out loud soooo...

Can I fast from sadness and crying for lent? How about it, world?

Pope Francis and Christopher Hale ( a reporter from Time Magazine who wrote about what the Pope had to say about lent this year) remind me what lent could mean for me.

"But when we fast from this indifference, we can began to feast on love. In fact, Lent is the perfect time to learn how to love again. Jesus—the great protagonist of this holy season—certainly showed us the way. In him, God descends all the way down to bring everyone up. In his life and his ministry, no one is excluded
“What are you giving up for Lent?” It’s a question a lot of people will get these next few days. If you want to change your body, perhaps alcohol and candy is the way to go. But if you want to change your heart, a harder fast is needed. This narrow road is gritty, but it isn’t sterile. It will make room in ourselves to experience a love that can make us whole and set us free.
Now that’s something worth fasting for." 
( http://time.com/3714056/pope-francis-lent-2015-fasting/ )

As I'm homesick, and hurting, and wandering, I'm reminded of the words, "Dona, Nobis, Pacem" translates to, "Grant us peace". And I'm thinking to myself about what its like to sing these words over and over again with my mother and sister. That feels a lot more like home than where I'm sitting right now, casually staring at my psych text book but actually watching Downton Abbey. But, maybe its a great reminder of the prayer we can keep saying. Or can keep trying to say.
The prayer I can keep saying. And as my brother in law,  Eric Bryan, reminded me this week, "Take courage, Christ is on the move."

I Know Our Paths Will Cross Again

I have now been back from Europe for almost 4 months, which equates to half of the time that I lived there. I haven't had any words, or maybe I've had too many words, to address what living there was like. And mostly what I can say about it now are two things. Moving to Switzerland for the fall, staying at L'Abri was the best thing that could've happened to me. And second that I miss being there, more than I think I can articulate.

My time at L'Abri was spent studying shame, family, forgiveness, cynicism, and forgiveness...yes... forgiveness two times. I read several books, Tired of Trying to Measure Up, Seeing Through Cynicism,  Embodying Forgiveness, A Grief Observed, Beyond Identity... This list goes on. Living in Chalet Bellevue, is a hectic and challenging life, and it couldn't be more wonderful. I'm an extrovert through and through, so having two roommates and people around almost all of the time was glorious for me. There are so many things about L'Abri that are difficult. Most of them boil down to the fact that you are digging up all the things inside your soul that feel as though they are better left ignored. But thats kinda the point, you can't ignore whats there when you're around others who are digging, when you don't have as many things, like even the internet, to distract you or keep you busy. There isn't anything, or hardly anything to perpetuate the system that prevents you from seeing yourself. I could talk about it for hours but I find that writing about all of this is actually pretty tough. When I was in Paris on my way out of the country, my hard drive erased itself. I'm slowly working on trying to recover it. Until then, I will post photos here because living in Huemoz was the best.

 Below: Gian Sandry and I on 20's night. 

 Blake Allen and a Swis cow. 

 Diner Night! 

Dinner at the Sandry's. Happiest nights that ever there were. 

 This is what I saw out my window. Its real. 

 Vineyards in Ollon

 Wine Festival with my sister (of heart), Susanna. My sweet sweet Suz. Endless hours giggling, processing, crying, analyzing, thinking and living. Everything with this girl. love you long time. 

 My Narnia 

Kenzie. Too many things to say about how much I learned from this quiet, and wise leader. I miss her companionship so much. She taught me, so much, the value of being still. 

 Both of my roommates. Megan, my lovely Canadian, who sits with me in bus stations and rides carousels in Paris when things are hard. She is so wise and full of grace. 

Renee, my roommate, and companion. She put up with my rants, my swoony sappy monologues about my boyfriend in Colorado, and most of all listened when I was sobbing my eyes out. Wonderful, doesn't even cover it. 

The girls I spent all semester working alongside. Elizabeth, my brave and bold room neighbor. I learned so much simply from watching this girl. 

Nothing would be the same, for me, without these people and these mountains. The whole country eroded and then rebuilt me. When I finally get my hard drive back there will be many more photos, these will have to do for now. There are so many people not in this post. So many stories, its because I need the pictures, they help me process, not because they are less important. Promise

Hannah's Take Europe 2013

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”  
-Jane Austen 

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” 
― C.S. Lewis

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
― Albert Camus

In the past 12 days, Hannah Virginia and I have traveled from separation to Milan, Venice, Rome, Florence, Cinque Terre, back to Milan, Lake Como, Zurich, and to marriage. There is just no avoiding when traveling together- especially for that long. No avoiding the parts of us that we would both love to avoid. No avoiding lines, no avoiding heat, and for us no avoiding side splitting laughter at least 28 times a day. And we have decided to chronicle our sojourn on this here blog. We decided to share oneish photo from everyday of our trip. 


Venice

Travel Day to Rome

Cause who doesn't stop for corn on the cob when you're lost and can't find your hostel. 

Rome
St. Peters, Sistine and Trevi all in one day. 

Rome II/ Florence (half tourist half travel day)
The Coliseum and getting to Florence with the most amazing Hostel Mom, ever. 

Florence
More shopping than you can imagine and so much beautiful art, this was probably our favorite city. I felt quite at home there. 

Florence 2 (on to Cinque Terre)
David

Cinque Terre (Joined by Eric and Joy) 

Cinque Terre in the Morning/ Milan in the Evening
Milan was Dark when we were there so no pics of that. Lizard Fish. 

Como and Train to Zurich

Zurich/ Luzern/ Alps
This was one of the most beautiful days of my life. 

Pilatus and Last day together 

 The perfect old renovated farm house we've been staying in.

Hannah Virginia has fallen asleep while I finish this post so I'm going to take over the writing. Over the past 12 days we have walked miles, and when I say that I mean we've probably walked all of Italy. We have laughed harder than I can ever remember laughing and we have also cried. There is nobody on this planet I could have done this much traveling with and I am forever grateful for how patient Hannah is with all of my antics. This may in fact, be the first time that she has started something and I have finished it, usually I start something and she comes in to pick up the pieces of where I've been distracted. I know this may seem corny to some of you all, but there is simply nothing more precious to me than a friend who can peer through my lonely and see me for who I am. We talk about how we both feel as though there is no need to fill a role around each other and how freeing that can be. Our wild hearts find a bit of solace and simultaneous adventure with each other and for that I am so truly grateful.  Words seem to hardly do our friendship justice, but this is my best attempt.

Love from both of us, 
Hannah.

Staying in Switzerland.

So- it is official, I will be living in Switzerland studying at L'Abri fellowship until December. This is a long and complicated story I may try to avoid the gory details of it all but essentially, I have decided that the healthiest and most appealing option for me is to stay here.

The process started when a few very treasured and wonderful friends posed to me that it may be good for me to continue the learning that I am doing here. I didn't take them seriously at all. Then, slowly, very slowly, I loosened my grip on the plan that I was so determined to achieve. That plan, has just been postponed. So originally I had planned to move to Chattanooga in August and start my masters in marriage and family therapy. The only difference is that I will be doing that in January now.

Studying at L'Abri has been one of the most enriching, challenging and encouraging experiences in my life. I have uncovered so many questions and flaws in my thinking that I am so thankful to grow from. I decided I wasn't ready to leave, and even more that I wasn't even close to ready to move to Chattanooga and face all that the city has for me.

The Lord is gracious in revealing himself to me through people and places, prayers and so many other things.

I sincerely hope that those of you who read this are not hurt I have not informed you personally. I had no idea how to tell everybody with very limited internet access. So, please forgive the informal, impersonal nature of this message. It was a quick decision, literally from breakfast to dinner I changed my entire life. Gratitude seems such a trite word to describe how thankful I am for the people, parents and siblings who have supported me in this. Love you you all.

 VeVey. Picture curtesy of Justin Massey. Lake Geneva in the background.

 Making Russian Vegetable pie with my favorite guys. 

These are just some random photos. I'm gonna put up a ton today. Get ready.